the comparison complex

I have something to confess. I think I am currently suffering from a comparison complex.

I am not a doctor (yet) and I am neither a psychologist, but looking at how things are going, I bet my entire life savings that my diagnosis is correct. A rough Google search shows that such a term is pretty much non-existent, with only 3 hits consistent with what I had in mind. The rest were mostly research papers, usually in the biological sciences. Though I can no longer claim credit for coining this term (to much disappointment), I can say with much confidence (YEA! *THUMBS UP*) that it is a relatively unknown concept. Maybe I am just ignorant of a more mainstream term for it. Whatever.

As obvious as it seems, I see the comparison complex as a warped form of mental perception one person develops about his/her own condition of life relative to others. One starts off by constantly comparing his/her state of life with those of other people in either his/her social circle or strangers with great public visibility (e.g. media celebrities). The person then realises that he/she lacks something they have which they deem really important or significant and usually ends up with negative conclusions about his/her quality of life. He/she might begin to make unrealistic aspirations to achieve the same or better after that and ultimately suffer from much anguish after realising that it just cannot be accomplished given his/her own circumstances.

These people always size up their lives with those of others. They see others having many friends, parties and gatherings and feel horrid for having no "life"; they see other people owning the newest motorbike or swanky car and feel like a gross underachiever; they see the perfect figures of movie stars and the fairytale romance of the movies they act in and feel like a failure in real life. They are comparing themselves with other people all the time and their mental wellbeing takes a hit each time they subject themselves to this needless comparison game. I fall into a similar rut.

In my case, I cannot sit still and crave new experiences, hence I love traveling because it allows me to explore new places, see new sights, interact with different people, taste new food and most importantly, escape from the monotony of life back in my home country. I read loads of travel books, magazines and blogs, I watch loads of Discovery Travel & Living and I dream a lot about myself traveling everywhere. I look at my friend's portrait sketch in his house and can tell without looking at the provenance that he did it at Montmartre in Paris; I show contempt for people who defeat the purpose of traveling by spending most their time overseas shopping. I feel that I am less fortunate just because I do not get to travel as much as other people and itthat feeling of being more worse off is exacerbated by the fact that my friends have been to just about every other place on my wishlist while I have not. Just thinking about it upsets me totally, as though I've totally missed out the whole point of living.

I know that sometimes its my own inaction that is bringing me so much agony. But more often, it is unrealistic expectations of what we can do and achieve that is bringing us so much pain. After all, we humans are much more irrational than we would love to admit. We are now constantly inundated by stories of success and positive experiences in the media, everywhere actually, and while we might be inspired by them, we can't help but to compare it with our own life experiences. To us people who have grown up associating one's self worth with the amount of achievements and experiences one has had, it can certainly be a very very painful feeling. We all want to break our own barriers and reach new heights, but sometimes it is really just way beyond our reach.

By this point of time, all one needs to do is to make a conscious effort to calibrate his own reality - any illusions and delusions one had previously will break apart soon enough. Ask yourself: Is it just an impulsive want or a true need? Honestly speaking, will it really affect how I am doing as a person now? Otherwise, can I give myself more time and space to fulfill that desire instead? You might find that many of these inner desires you yourself once had are actually unnecessary and beyond your own means. You will soon gain greater control over your thoughts, your emotions and your life over time.

Recently, I lost my temper over a scrapped family holiday plan to the United States I had spent weeks and loads of effort planning. No question that I was hurt and I set up a Cold War situation in the household just to sour the whole air. Soon enough, I realised that there is simply no point in going through all this mental agony. If we can't travel far, lets learn to compromise and go somewhere closer. After all, anywhere you've not been before is somewhere worth checking out. Otherwise I'll be flying overseas soon anyway - I'll have much opportunities to travel around and see the world - by then it'll be so much more economical to tour that region too! In the meantime, why don't treasure your time here and spend it with people you care for who are right here with you in Singapore?

You might still get that sucky feeling from the envy from time to time hearing about your dad's colleague moving into that newest uptown development in the papers or hearing your bestie's incredible exploits in Incredible India. But at the very least, it beats wallowing in self-pity over something that you might never ever achieve in reality anyway yea?