the comparison complex

I have something to confess. I think I am currently suffering from a comparison complex.

I am not a doctor (yet) and I am neither a psychologist, but looking at how things are going, I bet my entire life savings that my diagnosis is correct. A rough Google search shows that such a term is pretty much non-existent, with only 3 hits consistent with what I had in mind. The rest were mostly research papers, usually in the biological sciences. Though I can no longer claim credit for coining this term (to much disappointment), I can say with much confidence (YEA! *THUMBS UP*) that it is a relatively unknown concept. Maybe I am just ignorant of a more mainstream term for it. Whatever.

As obvious as it seems, I see the comparison complex as a warped form of mental perception one person develops about his/her own condition of life relative to others. One starts off by constantly comparing his/her state of life with those of other people in either his/her social circle or strangers with great public visibility (e.g. media celebrities). The person then realises that he/she lacks something they have which they deem really important or significant and usually ends up with negative conclusions about his/her quality of life. He/she might begin to make unrealistic aspirations to achieve the same or better after that and ultimately suffer from much anguish after realising that it just cannot be accomplished given his/her own circumstances.

These people always size up their lives with those of others. They see others having many friends, parties and gatherings and feel horrid for having no "life"; they see other people owning the newest motorbike or swanky car and feel like a gross underachiever; they see the perfect figures of movie stars and the fairytale romance of the movies they act in and feel like a failure in real life. They are comparing themselves with other people all the time and their mental wellbeing takes a hit each time they subject themselves to this needless comparison game. I fall into a similar rut.

In my case, I cannot sit still and crave new experiences, hence I love traveling because it allows me to explore new places, see new sights, interact with different people, taste new food and most importantly, escape from the monotony of life back in my home country. I read loads of travel books, magazines and blogs, I watch loads of Discovery Travel & Living and I dream a lot about myself traveling everywhere. I look at my friend's portrait sketch in his house and can tell without looking at the provenance that he did it at Montmartre in Paris; I show contempt for people who defeat the purpose of traveling by spending most their time overseas shopping. I feel that I am less fortunate just because I do not get to travel as much as other people and itthat feeling of being more worse off is exacerbated by the fact that my friends have been to just about every other place on my wishlist while I have not. Just thinking about it upsets me totally, as though I've totally missed out the whole point of living.

I know that sometimes its my own inaction that is bringing me so much agony. But more often, it is unrealistic expectations of what we can do and achieve that is bringing us so much pain. After all, we humans are much more irrational than we would love to admit. We are now constantly inundated by stories of success and positive experiences in the media, everywhere actually, and while we might be inspired by them, we can't help but to compare it with our own life experiences. To us people who have grown up associating one's self worth with the amount of achievements and experiences one has had, it can certainly be a very very painful feeling. We all want to break our own barriers and reach new heights, but sometimes it is really just way beyond our reach.

By this point of time, all one needs to do is to make a conscious effort to calibrate his own reality - any illusions and delusions one had previously will break apart soon enough. Ask yourself: Is it just an impulsive want or a true need? Honestly speaking, will it really affect how I am doing as a person now? Otherwise, can I give myself more time and space to fulfill that desire instead? You might find that many of these inner desires you yourself once had are actually unnecessary and beyond your own means. You will soon gain greater control over your thoughts, your emotions and your life over time.

Recently, I lost my temper over a scrapped family holiday plan to the United States I had spent weeks and loads of effort planning. No question that I was hurt and I set up a Cold War situation in the household just to sour the whole air. Soon enough, I realised that there is simply no point in going through all this mental agony. If we can't travel far, lets learn to compromise and go somewhere closer. After all, anywhere you've not been before is somewhere worth checking out. Otherwise I'll be flying overseas soon anyway - I'll have much opportunities to travel around and see the world - by then it'll be so much more economical to tour that region too! In the meantime, why don't treasure your time here and spend it with people you care for who are right here with you in Singapore?

You might still get that sucky feeling from the envy from time to time hearing about your dad's colleague moving into that newest uptown development in the papers or hearing your bestie's incredible exploits in Incredible India. But at the very least, it beats wallowing in self-pity over something that you might never ever achieve in reality anyway yea?

weight, exercise and staying healthy

You will learn somewhere, sometime in your life that being fat is really really bad. It is most likely either one or a combination of the following ways: in school when you get humiliated by your classmates for being the "fatty pig"; in your teenage years when you starting desiring that perfect physique as your idol to join that cool clique or catch the attention of the girl you have a crush on; or when you finally become more rational and understand all the personal and social implications of being overweight.

I myself sought to get myself in shape after I started becoming fatter and flabbier since Exercise Wallaby last year. Getting myself to start controlling my food intake, food choices and begin an exercise regime was pretty painful, in fact extremely excruciating at the start. But trust me, your body is designed to adapt to external pressures and changes. You will make it out alive. And better too, trust me. I've lost 3.5kg since January. Speaks volumes. Muscles wise still lacking, but I think its just a flaw in my plans.

And it definitely beats the doctor at my clinic, who is obsessed over her weight but is taking no action to change it, hands down anytime. You are never going to lose weight by weighing yourself over the weighing scale everyday and exclaiming that you still weigh the same. Yes, even if you just took a dump the previous night. As tempting it might be, taking those pills might help, but you also understand the bad side effects it might cause. So why not just go for something more organic in nature!

I pretty much didn't give a damned about my weight before I started NS. I was already used to those primary school bastards calling me a pig, used to my own clumsy figure knocking tables in class and running last in 1.6km/2.4km and was prepared to live a life being a pudgy fart. In fact, those primary school hypocrites still made friends with me to get answers for their worksheets; I formed my own "We-failed-NAPFA-and-we-are-effing-proud-about-it" club in secondary school and hung out in the library reading Garfield during PE; and well, life went on as usual.

Motivations really matter. During NS, I started surprising people for changing so much and that some complimented me for looking so much better in shape. Also, as disturbing it may have been, my aunts began crowding over me, stroking my face, punching my arms and squeezing my tummy gushing over how much more "handsome" I've become during family gatherings, to much staring and snide laughters from my older cousins who had gained their flab after army. I swore never to gain those fats again and embrace a better self. What will your motivation be?

After a while I started to find that I was feeling bored of going through the whole routine over and over again. In fact I found myself slacking off more and more often, taking longer and more frequent breaks. Worried as I am over whether my drive was fizzling out and that my grand plan was sputtering and headed towards failure, my mind went into great thought and realised that apart from falling back on motivations to keep myself going on, I should also add variety and challenge to give my workout a clear purpose and direction in mind. For example, I began moving towards the outer lanes, increasing pace or increasing laps during my running days and started playing around with new machines during gym. It really did help in getting myself back on track.

My appetite has increased and I get really hungry really fast as my colleagues can attest to, but my weight is still dropping and I'm still pretty much in good spirits everyday. Feeling good, that's the power of exercise!

horoscopes

Sometimes I just wonder about how pervasive horoscopes are in the world today. People know that there are twelve signs, and that a person born in a certain period of time will be born under a certain sign and thus be deemed to be bestowed with certain unique qualities attributed to the sign. Just about everyone knows their sign at the very least. Just about every single major daily dishes out horoscope advice to its readers in the entertainment section. Just about every online news or entertainment website carry articles about the best colors, best days and best relationship compatibilities (or vice versa for that matter) each of the twelve horoscopes should take careful note of.

I can safely bet that most of us, in some point of our young lives for that matter, must have partaken in a certain frenzied pursuit of horoscope knowledge, either to find out why we seem to get on better with that mercurial Gemini compared to the calculative Capricorn, to discover what would lie in store for ourselves, be it the impulsive Aries or moody Cancer, or most importantly, to learn what would it take to get a date with that dream mysterious Scorpio girl or that really hot sporty Sagittarius in the next class.

This brings me to the issue of stereotyping. There are billions of people out there and thus billions of personalities out there. How accurate is it to segregate the whole world into twelve different horoscopes, each with their seemingly arbitrary date ranges (how sure are you that Virgo falls on August 23 every year, considering leap years, elliptical equinoxes blah blah blah), well-defined individual personas and personality traits and clear-cut similar fortunes? How are you to truly define what makes a true-blue fair-minded Libra or proud Leo if everybody is truly characteristically unique as we make it out to be?

Okay fine, I did find out this certain astrolabe thing online which actually gives you a whole report on your traits as influenced by the various star signs based on your time and location of birth. I saw the real thing during the Silk Road exhibition held at the ArtScience Museum and it was pretty fun to manipulate with. You can even locate the stars and planets with it. A quick search in Google Images indicates that the real stuff looks something like that  > > > > > > > > > >

So now it seems like your whole personality-fortune thing is now derived from a unique equation dependent on the location of the planets in the heavens and thus its corresponding horoscope's degree of influence on you. By implication, that might mean that you might be a spiritual Pisces due to its location in the Sun but your mind might also be brimming full of radical ideas due to Aquarius pulling some strings in the Ascendant. If so, then what's the meaning of all that systematic labeling of each horoscope and those little descriptions of your day's fortune in print if everyone's going to be much more unique that it has initially been made out to be?

Questions and frustrations aside, I still find this certain horoscope I added a couple of weeks ago really intriguing. I've dumped many other applications and mentally placed much more websites into my trash folder for they give me loads of bullshit "advice" that totally do not fit in with my life or made my eyes roll just reading the first sentence with its pretentiousness or plain lack of content. Oh and by the way, yes I still do look at horoscopes, more for the fun of it, to see what someone else actually has to say about my life and maybe just take note of some things that I agree with. We can do with a little personal daily reminder right? Your mum can't always get you totally right with her persistent naggings too either yea?

Back to my issue, it has been doling out stuff that has been quite relevant to my moods, energies, lingering thoughts and happenings of the days. Pure coincidence? Whatever, as long as I can resonate with it, I'm buying it. I can always chuck it away when it starts going cranky, can't I? At least for now and the past many many days, this app has made me think and reflect whenever my mind goes into blank mode about my past attitudes and behaviors. That is, at least, the very least positive outcome I would seek to gain from a seriously obfuscating thing like a horoscope.

So mine for today went:
"You are suffering from a fear that doesn't deserve your time. Some fear can be useful - especially when it inspires you to use caution and to think twice before taking a risk. But this fear has no root in reality. It's based in some old insecurity of yours, and you are projecting a problem in your imagination that isn't going to occur. by allowing this hear to trespass through your mind, you are actually nurturing it, and a nurtured fear is the worse kind, so give it the boot right now. There is nothing to be afraid of."

As much as I like to prove why it totally hit with me today, I think some things are best kept to myself. But still, horoscopes are still really intriguing things. After all there's a reason why its still surviving around in a supposedly rationale scientific thinking modern world today yea? And I've got to say its a darn compelling one.

about drive and dreams

"Do you have a dream?" She asked in Chinese, her native tongue.
"Dreams (梦想)? You mean as in, dreams (理想)?" I replied, tongue tied, mouth half choking from the brown rice I was stuffing myself with during my precious one-hour lunch break. I always try to finish my lunch as soon as possible so that I can read the papers - something I can never do without - a habit long ingrained in me by my parents.

For the few seconds following that, my mind went into hyperdrive, thinking of how to best answer that question I had just responded to in the most awkward manner possible. A social faux pas in short.

"Erm, yes of course..." She replied.

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I have this really lovely clear idea and goal I have in mind about what I would really like to do in the future. A broad plan for the next 10, 20, even 30 years of my life.

I will be having a good time studying for the next 5 to 7 years in Scotland, learning how to take care of myself and be independent, exploring a whole new world out there with friends and housemates. That will be subjective depending on my attitude towards to workload then (though I still anticipate myself relishing the challenge, considering how I love the thrill of a good fight). I believe I'll definitely make out to be a much much better person from the overseas experience. Army had been one really unique and meaningful journey and I think this is going to be a great extension to my personal growth and development.

In the process, I may have made up my mind if I want to delve into a certain medical specialty. I will then be engaging in deeper intellectual pursuit of knowledge and expertise. Lifelong learning to keep my hyperactive mind continually engaged!

I will then be having a good time plying my skills for the greater good to people out there one-by-one, healing them and gaining satisfaction from bringing them back to good health (or at least, improving their quality of lives by any extent, considering that there are still limitations to what we can do with modern medicine). I know there will be jerks out there who will seek to add misery to your life. That's already pretty evident in the clinic I work in. But hey, its just a occupational hazard common to any line of work isn't it?

Maybe by then I will be able to gain enough experience to even get out of my comfort zone (either in the UK or back home in Singapore) and maybe do some charity work by contributing my skills then. That will be totally perfect. I will get to move around and possibly even travel overseas (something that will forever get my adrenaline pumping even just thinking and fantasising about it), ply my trade and do something meaningful at the same time! *pumps fist in the air*

Along the way, somehow, I may even want to dabble in a little bit of business (nothing medical related, its more of a side interest actually). It sorts of appeals to me as well, you know, the thrill of starting small and humble by creating a little outfit to sell your business idea, getting yourself involved in developing your product and then going out there to promote your wares and selling it to the world out there! I have a few wild ideas in mind but that'll be for later. For further design and development (in my own mind of course) and when I have more capital and also really good partners I will want to really collaborate with.

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But then, all I could mutter in reply to my new colleague from China (it was already her 3rd day at work and 7th day in Singapore. Everyone else in the clinic were deep in discussion over how it was so fast. We later realised she got all the processes covered through an agent. OH YEA we locals wouldn't really know right?) was "Hmmm, yup I do!"

"So what is it?" She quizzed me further, brows already furrowed quite deeply from my lack of clarity.
"Ermmm, I want to do good with my skills I will learn, do something meaningful and be with family." I found myself mumbling incoherently in reply.
She stopped pursuing the matter and continued eating her stir-fried kailan with salted fish rice dish.

At that moment, I realised I lacked the energy to even just articulate my ideas out to someone so eager to learn about the thoughts I have in mind. Where is that external drive I will need to bring forth all these dreams I have in mind? *ALARM BELLS* That warrants great attention.

It all happened many days back, about middle last week and and a cooling-off period of reflection ensued. I sat there wondering how I hadn't even realised that I have lost much of that drive since medical school application. That crazy long-lasting rush knowing your immediate and long term goals so clearly it runs in your veins and you start seeing it everywhere you go because your mind is continually thinking about it. That almost fanatical but still cool-headed pursuit as you go about studying all options, reading up on every piece of information obtained through the thorough searching of the internet and relentless grilling of people you know in the line for any morsel of hints, experience and advice and preparation for applications and interviews. All culminating in the interview when you totally felt at the top of world knowing you have done your 101%, had a lovely conversation with the professors in the panel and walking out with no regrets at all.

I realised I started slacking off when the routine of army life started to seep in. Booking in, counting down the time for lunch, dinner, nights out and routine orders, mindlessly following commanders' orders, performing tasks as required of your vocation habitually with little mental stimulation, book out. It didn't help when I thought it will be a good time to chill, relax and let my mind rest. I ended up slacking and becoming a sloth. It doesn't help now after I have ORDed that I've allowed myself to, yet again, fall into a mindless routine of waking up for work, going home after that and then succumbing to computer addiction everyday.

In short, I lost sight of the goals I had in mind, forgot about it and lost myself.

I have had modest goals like passing driving (which I did with a close shave by clocking 18 points),  meeting up with friends from various social circles (which turned out to be such a wonderful spiritual experience on the whole - savouring new experiences feel so much better than enjoying material comforts) and losing weight (which I think I have done quite well. I've lost 2 kilograms in 2 months. I better not rest on my laurels because I still have quite a few more kilos to go before I get back in much better shape. But then, I think it lacks the kind of long long-term kind of endurance and far far-sighted planning I will need to channel my big dreams forward for the next few decades. It doesn't help when fun and play had been involved too - it would and I think has already shaken loose the 'work' thing in me that is needed to really make goals work.

It had been noted in the papers that young Singaporeans are lacking the drive needed to succeed in today's competitive environment. It certainly made me realise the dire situation I am in. These foreigners who are coming into Singapore have so much ambitions and drive in them they are certainly playing us complacent locals out of the competitive playing field just by being more willing to put in effort and produce better results. I have some dreams and goals in life I love to achieve but that will not be possible without a strong drive to push me through all this. My mind began swiveling in a really vicious vortex for the past few days, figuring out how I am going to rekindle this fire in me.

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My answer came by chance when the new doctor in my clinic began giving me her old textbooks for me to read up while I had time. I started browsing through the "Clinical Examinations" textbook she gave me during the occasional lull period in work, looking through the general principles and things to look out for in real life clinical practice. I began to see again how I could translate knowledge into real life application.

From just the first few pages which emphasise the need for detailed examination of history and patient condition, I suddenly realised why doctors who take a longer time seeing each patient on average tend to be more well-liked. Patients feel more confident seeing a particular doctor because that doctor spends more time in evaluating the patient's condition and communicating with the patient - it is an investment of time and effort that will make the patient come back looking for you and just you even for just a simple flu or muscle pain. That, coupled with good mannerisms, make for good bedside manner and a good doctor. Patients will wait to see you or come down only when you are at work for their urgent medical review because they want you to be the doctor seeing them. That is the power of learning - to gain insight that goes much further than the span of knowledge you had been expected to learn from the text and learning materials you have.

It all got me heated up again. You sort of get that kick in you which feels really damn good when you regain your sense of purpose. Now I must keep that fire burning in me. I will need all the firewood - and good firewood to be exacting - to ensure it will last through my whole journey. I know I must not lose it again for I had been really lucky to have gotten the answer I needed just by being at the right place at the right time. It was an opportunity that was hard to come by and I will not screw it up again.